Let’s be real.

Long-term relationships aren’t all candlelit dinners and spontaneous passion. Somewhere between the mortgage payments, the carpool schedule, and figuring out what’s for dinner again, the fire can start to flicker. That doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you’re human.

But here’s the good news: the spark isn’t gone. It’s just buried under layers of routine, responsibility, and sometimes, resentment. The flame can be fanned back to life. And no, it doesn’t require a weekend in Paris (though hey, if you can swing it, go for it). What it does require is intention, honesty, and effort.

As a marriage therapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples who thought the fire was out for good. What they discovered—and what I want you to know—is that the most passionate, enduring relationships aren’t built on luck. They’re built on choices.

So let’s talk about how to fan each other’s flames, even years or decades in.

1. Recognize That Comfort Isn’t the Enemy—Complacency Is

Comfort is beautiful. It’s the ease of knowing someone deeply and being known in return. But when comfort morphs into autopilot, that’s when intimacy erodes. Ask yourself: When was the last time I truly saw my partner—not as the co-parent or the bill-payer—but as the dynamic, sensual, unique person I fell in love with?

Start there. Remind yourself why you chose them. Tell them. Often.

2. Curiosity is a Form of Intimacy

You don’t know everything about your partner. No matter how long you’ve been together, there are unexplored stories, new opinions, secret dreams, and yes—evolving desires.

Ask bold questions:

  • “What turns you on now that didn’t five years ago?”
  • “What’s something you’ve never told me because you weren’t sure how I’d react?”
  • “If you could reinvent our connection, what would change?”

Staying curious is a radical act of love.

3. Intimacy Isn’t Just Physical—but Don’t Skip the Physical

Sexual connection matters. It’s not everything, but it’s not nothing either. In long-term relationships, physical intimacy often takes a backseat to life’s chaos. But sex is one of the few things that’s just for the two of you. It’s sacred. It’s playful. It’s healing.

If things have gone quiet in the bedroom, start small. Touch more. Kiss longer. Schedule sex if you need to—yes, that can feel unsexy at first, but what’s sexier than prioritizing each other?

4. Celebrate, Don’t Just Survive

Most couples spend a lot of time managing crises and solving problems. But joy? Celebration? That often falls off the radar.

Make it a practice to celebrate each other. Not just birthdays and anniversaries, but the little wins too. A tough work week survived. A meaningful conversation. A shared laugh when everything felt heavy.

These small acts of joy are like oxygen for your relationship’s flame.

5. Do the Unexpected

Comfort and predictability are safe, but sometimes you need a little risk to reignite passion.

Write them a letter. Leave a voice note just to say what you love about them. Suggest a surprise date. Take a class together. Get a little daring in the bedroom. Shake up the script you’ve both memorized.

Spontaneity reminds your partner—and yourself—that you’re still choosing each other.

6. Be Each Other’s Safe Place and Firestarter

True love holds space for all of it—the soft moments and the wild ones. Fanning each other’s flames means creating emotional safety and welcoming intensity. It’s about building a foundation sturdy enough to handle boldness, vulnerability, and raw honesty.

You want to be the person your partner can cry with—and the one who gives them goosebumps.

Final Thoughts: Don’t Wait for “Later”

Too many couples tell themselves they’ll reconnect “when things calm down.” After the kids are older. After the next big work project. After the stress dies down.

But love doesn’t wait for the perfect moment. It asks to be nurtured now, in the mess, in the middle, in the midst of it all.

Fanning each other’s flames is about showing up—again and again—with intention, attention, and affection.

The fire can burn bright again. You just have to feed it.

Need support reigniting the spark?
Whether you’re in the throes of disconnection or just looking to deepen your bond, couples therapy is a powerful space to rediscover your passion and purpose—together.

Let’s talk. Schedule a consultation today.